Chris Gay's Politically Correct Movie Reviews
By Chris Gay
The Exorcist (1973)
The heartwarming story of a young woman’s journey to find peace by exorcising her inner demons through her impromptu relationship with God…Give or take.
The Godfather (1972)
A gripping saga detailing one immigrant’s rise from youthful poverty, through his somewhat aggressive quest to provide for his extended family during war torn, 1940’s America.
Forrest Gump (1994)
A lovable simpleton inadvertently finds himself in the middle of numerous situations of historical and political consequence, then afterward reiterates them to attentive passersby with such eloquence, it makes one realize he’s most likely too intelligent to get into politics himself.
Dirty Harry (1971)
The story of a lonely, yet kind-hearted San Francisco detective who generously donates the contents of his .44 Magnum to the chest cavities of the city’s most unrepentant criminals, as a creatively effective alternative to rehabilitation.
The haunting tale of a misunderstood recluse who attempts to overcome his personal demons by returning to his hometown, in an ultimately tragic attempt to reconnect with his kin.
Independence Day (1996)
The highly precise plans for Earth’s domination by a group of sophisticated extra-terrestrials possessing high tech transportation and weaponry are derailed at the last second, by an inebriated moron portrayed by the same actor who played Cousin Eddie in Christmas Vacation.
Wall Street (1987)
Wall Street tycoon Gordon Gekko’s attempt to further add to his impressive, albeit questionably obtained fortune is derailed by The Man, who views Gekko’s law un-abiding initiatives in a rather different light then he does.
Silence Of The Lambs (1991)
A highly-educated professional resorts to the manipulation and cannibalism of those beneath him with such effectiveness, you may begin to wonder how he managed to avoid becoming a CEO in the private sector.
Back To The Future (1985)
A chronicle of the wacky time traveling misadventures between a wily, sarcastic teen and his sanity- divested scientific mentor with a penchant for static electricity-inspired hairstyles.
In a measured response to a massive Great White patrolling its waters, the leadership of a New England island community shrewdly decides that the best way to protect the townsfolk is to close the beach for a single day-and then just kind of hope that it decides to swim away.
This clever approach goes inexplicably awry when, instead, the shark opts to stay local and continue dining on Bather du Jour. Realizing their slight error in judgment the Mayor, Chief of Police and a renowned oceanographer all agree that a more effective course of action might be to eschew modern hunting techniques in favor of hiring an aged, lunatic captain in possession of a boat slightly larger than those once provided in cereal boxes.
Out on the open ocean, the seasoned mariner is seemingly surprised to discover his inability to land the three-ton animal with a fishing pole. His failure in this endeavor allows the question of what he would’ve done with it-had he somehow actually hauled it in-to remain forever unanswered.
At any rate, the ichthyologist fails next in his own attempt to end the beast by, one can only presume, flossing its teeth with a glorified Lawn Jart.
Irked at the trio’s continual attempts on him, as well as a slight ancillary annoyance likely stemming from three beer kegs harpooned to its body, Jaws sups on the boat’s captain; rendering his earlier, bold decision to shun a life jacket irrelevant.
However, after apparently being misled by an episode of Mythbusters, the shark succumbs to the Chief of Police after neglecting to pass on a dessert course featuring a tank of highly compressed air- as well as the accompanying introduction to it of a lightning-fast projectile.
The inspirational story of a downtrodden pugilist who, despite being significantly punch drunk, gets inexplicably smarter throughout the course of the movie.
After several figurative bouts with self-esteem and, despite being tethered to a best friend with the morals of a career lobbyist, Rocky becomes determined to win the Heavyweight Championship belt from an arrogant, underestimating Chubbs; who reigns supreme over the boxing world in the years prior to an alligator tragically biting his damn hand off.
However in a clever plot twist, Rocky loses the fight and goes home not with the coveted belt but, rather, no belt at all and a busted face.
Die Hard (1988)
On Christmas Eve, police officer John McClane unexpectedly finds himself in a barefoot race against time to save his wife from a gang of villains led by a British guy with a pseudo-German accent and his German henchman; who for some reason understands his boss’ commands better when given to him in English.
With outside moral support coming from a reasonable, spongecake-loving beat cop possessing the motorcar maneuvering skills of Helen Keller, McClane is able to soldier on and pick off the mercenaries in turn. Ultimately, the sarcastic constable thwarts the entire nefarious, half-billion dollar scheme with help from a swatch of cleverly positioned, festively decorated masking tape.
Afterward in a gesture of seasonal goodwill he effectively demonstrates, with assistance from gravity, why a master criminal would be better served choosing for his captive someone whose personal taste in watches favors a singularly whole, clasp-less band.
The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
The highly anticipated sequel to the original Star Wars finds former moisture farmer-turned Death Star weakness exploiter Luke Skywalker hiding from the Empire with his cohorts on the North Pole. While there, maverick pilot Han Solo begins a relationship with Princess Leia, though not so much out of love, but rather due to a seemingly 4 million to 1 ratio of men to women all through the galaxy. Throughout, the dialogue repetitively highlights much ‘Dark Side of the Force’ underestimating by central characters. Further along, Obi-Wan Kenobi returns to play second fiddle to a sickly puppet who sounds suspiciously like Fozzi Bear; while once again proving that being deceased is not all that much of a hindrance to getting around. After an unexpected betrayal Han Solo becomes a slug’s Feng Shui, while his betrayer tries to repent by re-destroying the new Death Star. However, prior to the aforementioned climax, the film reveals a rather disconcerting paternal subplot that ultimately causes Darth Vader to turn on his Emperor, while inexplicably leaving unscathed the designer who yet again neglected to protect the Death Star’s singular, obvious Achilles’ Heel.