Reality Based Horoscopes & Birthstone Ratings
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You get some points for being cool, if only because no other Zodiac sign has a groovy hit song written about it. You feel a misplaced air of superiority due to this, but remember that aside from Super Bowl Sunday your sign falls into quite possibly the dullest, dreariest section of the year. This alone could speak volumes about your personality; that is if there was any genuine validity to horoscopes whatsoever. Since there isn’t, you’ve lucked out. Unless of course you’re genetically predisposed to being a dull, dreary person. If that happens to be the case, you’ll probably need more advice than you’ll get from a sarcastic fake horoscope, anyway. Pisces plays role.
February Birthstone Rating-Amethyst: 9. The near-jackpot birthstone. If you have ever been lucky enough to date a woman born in February, you know that the Amethyst, which is essentially purple Quartz, is very easy on the pocketbook. That can be helpful during the month that includes Valentine’s Day.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Your sign is the Fish, but that doesn’t mean you’re all wet. The spirit of St. Patrick’s Day envelopes you, much the same as those guys who come running downstairs on March 17 to find a heavenly, Christmas-y green keg in that true-to-life Heineken commercial. God I love that commercial. Anyway, back to you. You are generally calm, but also exhibit a tendency to periodically let loose; similar to the massive, annual, Just-When-You-Thought-You-Had-Made-It-Safely To-Spring mid-March Nor’easter that, once finished, has you looking around for a singing, umbrella toting Snowman named Sam. Aquarius plays role; if only to maintain my symmetry with February.
March Birthstone Rating-Aqua Marine: 10. The Jackpot Birthstone! (Please see Amethyst) This is a stone whose name literally means “Water Ocean,” which is kind of redundant, but since not all water has salt in it I’ll let it slide. It’s considered “greenish-blue,” and sometimes “bluish-green,” which is like trying to differentiate “partly sunny” vs. “partly cloudy.” Verdict: This stone is so ridiculous, that I’d recommend taking your chances with trying to pass off a Cubic Zirconia to your Significant Other. They cost about the same. Unless you're really good at that arcade claw machine game. If that's the case, spend the fifty cents and try for the Aqua-Marine.
Aries (March 21-April 20)
The Ram. You have a constant, inexplicable desire to relocate to St. Louis. You thank your preferred Deity, if applicable, that you’re not stuck in the doldrums of Aquarius while conveniently overlooking the fact that within your friendly confines lay not only April showers, but Federal Income Tax Day. (Which, incidentally, is the same day that the RMS Titanic sank in 1912) But that’s not important right now.* At any rate, love or an open manhole may be just around the corner; so either way keep your eyes open. Leo plays role, if only because I haven’t used that one yet.
April Birthstone Rating-Diamond: 10. This is the proverbial Slam Dunk. What else can you cut glass with, play baseball on, or use to celebrate the 75th Anniversary of anything? Diamond also makes a tasty walnut, but I digress. The only thing is, you would’ve thought they’d give a stone like this to a month with 31 days. Whatever though; I really don’t care. * ‘Airplane’ homage
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You find success being economical, like the car that bears your name. That trait is contrasted though by the ability to guilt people into doing things, much the same way Hallmark does when it coerces people into buying cards for Mother’s Day, the only “holiday” within your borders. You are an expert at BS, though not just because you count my sister among you. I mean hey, you’re Taurus. ‘The Bull’. It’s fairly cut and dried. Virgo plays a big role; as between you, you represent two of the seven Zodiac signs that contain exactly two syllables. Coincidence? I don't think so.
May Birthstone Rating-Emerald: 10. Why? Because green has always been my favorite color. Oh, and I’ve always wanted to visit Seattle; the “Emerald City.” Hey, don’t look at me. As you go through life you’ll find that many decisions you’ll come across, in all aspects of your life, are made with the same type of absurd reasoning. Have a nice day.
Gemini (May 21 -June 20)
The Twins. You have had a special, lifelong affinity for Double Mint gum. You carry with you a constant sense of being unfulfilled, as each year you come right up to the Summer Solstice and, at the last second, are required to hand it off to Cancer- along with the accolades and glory that accompany the start of Summer. Ah, if only Leap Year occurred in June, you’d at least make it every four years. But it doesn’t- so you don’t. Don’t let it get to you though, as you do have the most Zodiacal-sounding sign name in the bunch. Gem-i-ni. Sounds real Astrological-ly like, you know? Oh, you bring happiness by providing the first 3-day weekend of the year, but then immediately temper it by having it include Memorial Day. Make up your mind, Gemini. Capricorn plays role, for whatever reason.
June Birthstone Rating-Pearl: 5. Boring! It's a bland white stone constructed from Oyster goo, with the power to instantly age its wearer to a significant extent. However, they can be very elegant; particularly if you're standing by the fire while Glen Miller's Orchestra plays "String of Pearls" on a phonograph in the background as you wait for the Little Orphan Annie radio program to begin. Outside, as the mailman drops off your weekly Saturday Evening Post, the neighbors rejoice as it turns out that Harry Truman has defeated Thomas Dewey after all... Wow you guys; that was a long way to go for sarcasm.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Wow.Where to begin? The King of Zodiacal signs, natives of Cancer have a tendency to be handsome and quick-witted, with a strong character and high moral fiber. Cancer-ians generally possess a highly elevated intelligence level. They are compassionate and will go to great lengths to help others. (As long as they’re not watching TV, sleeping, or playing ice hockey somewhere) They are generous to a fault, and romantic like you only read about. Virtually flawless, they are born bathed in the warm summer sunshine, and serve as a constant reminder of all that is good in the world. The also bring to mind the best of childhood memories; laying out on a grassy terrain watching the stars, barbequing, camping and walking on the beach as the waves crash on a perfectly-temperatured evening, et al. Honestly, it’s almost unfair to go on. But I will. Fiendishly clever, astute; often with piercing blue eyes and sandy dark blond hair, Cancers are also great writers and, in some rare Lithuanian-Irish instances, they are to an extent ambidextrous. Sagittarius plays role, as you really love both winter and the Christmas season. Life’s issues will work themselves out and happiness, along with a potentially massive, successful, lucrative writing, broadcasting, and voice-over or acting career may be on the horizon.
July Birthstone Rating-Ruby: 10. A stone among stones, the Ruby is a near perfect gem. Its clarity, texture and hardness draw comparisons to its only real competition, the diamond. The Ruby’s singular drawback is merely that it’s not green.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Basically a letdown after the month-long Ruby Jubilee that is Cancer; Leo would be a much cooler sign than it is had I been born just 48 hours later than I was. But hey, what can you do? You have a tendency to be impatient and ornery, as being born during the Dog Days of Summer would naturally reflect. You carry a general sullenness that can be attributed to the fact that Leo always signifies the beginning of the end. Students begin to think about returning to school and, though it’s hot, autumn is clearly on the
horizon as the Halcyon Days of Summer begin fading to but a distant memory. Of course, if you live somewhere like San Diego, you couldn’t care less. August, January-it’s all the same to you. Leo plays a role. (You tend to be somewhat self-absorbed)
August Birthstone Rating-Peridot: 8. This rating is elevated to a higher status than it probably should be due solely to the fact that the Peridot is primarily green. Also, it’s more mysterious than other stones so that when you give it to someone, there is a chance they may assume it’s worth more than it actually is. Also, it’s meant to symbolize the Tears of Pele’, who converted an awesome bicycle kick in the 1981 movie Victory. Yeah, I know it’s not that Pele’, but which of us is writing this; you or me? Thank you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You are a welcome sight to us all; as with your sign comes cooler weather, the Big E, beautiful New England foliage, and most important- the onset of the NFL season. You also bring with you another precious 3 day weekend for Labor Day. Though I’ve never been quite certain why new mothers would want to celebrate that. Moving right along; while you’re still one syllable short of a Jimmy Stewart classic film and a hit U2 song, Virgo, you deliver hope and good will to all; as along with September comes the festive, ceremonial first store shelves full of Christmas decorations.
September Birthstone Rating-Sapphire: 7. Yeah, it’s blue. But so are some flavors of Kool-Aid. And it’s a blue that half the time looks black anyway, like the Chicago Bear uniforms. It also has a sultry sounding name; perfect for exotic dancers or voice-over guys doing jewelry store commercials. However, its colors are all over the place. Pick a shade and stick with it, Sapphire.
Libra (September 23-October 23)
You are represented by the Scales. This may suggest you are more balanced than others; but in actuality, you’re not. All right- I’ve already written 9 of these previously, so I think I’ll coast through this one. Libra is the only Zodiac sign that does not represent a living thing. So, what does that last sentence really mean? Well, for starters, it brought me 13 words closer to the end of this, and 13 is my lucky number. (And now I’ll wait while roughly 44% of you go back and count them) The Scales are also the symbol for justice. But since justice is primarily for wealthy people, and the majority of us are not, this probably has nothing to do with you. Since Libra has no real secular holidays to riff a few sentences on, I think we’ll just move straight to the Birthstone Ratings. Oh, wait! Many local Fairs fall within your timeframe. Fairs are cool, and Justice seeks Fairness. Is there a connection there somewhere? Of course not. I was just dragging this out. At least now you have a longer text than I gave Capricorn. Which, incidentally, plays a roll. Or possibly, a role.
October Birthstone Rating-Opal: 7. This stone is all over the place. It could be this color or that color or this color. I’ve had it with Opal. Even its name. It sounds like the compete version of Ron Howard’s character’s nickname on The Andy Griffith Show. I’m out.
Scorpio (October 24-November 22)
The villain in the first Dirty Harry movie was called Scorpio. Does that reflect upon you, though? Of course not. Well, probably not. Anyway, you get Halloween and Daylight Saving Time. That’s a lot of responsibility; but I feel you can handle it. Though you may feel disrespected by natives of Arizona and parts of Indiana; who choose not to set their clocks back regardless of what you tell them. You’re a hearty soul- you lose an hour of daylight and you take the first cold temperatures of the year on the chin. You also come thisclose to snagging Thanksgiving for your ilk; only to lose it to Sagittarius. You get the last laugh, however, as Sagittari get most of December, than must cough up Christmas to Capricorn. What goes around, comes around, you know? Your symbol is the fierce Scorpion, a creature long feared and respected throughout society. Apparently with the exception of Arizona residents and a few Hoosiers. No matter; people look up to you. Especially if you happen to be taller than them. Pisces plays role.
Birthstone Rating-Citrine: 10. This stone sounds like it should be some sort of breakfast drink along the lines of Tang; but it also looks kind of like Amber. Amber is a huge export of Lithuania. Coincidentally, I’m half-Lithuanian. Therefore, Citrine gets a 10. Huh. That was somewhat like playing the 2 Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Anyway, Happy Halloween.
Sagittarius (November 23- December 21)
All right. It seems that close to half of the people who have passed through my life have been Sagittarius, so let’s start off with the obvious key point about this sign; namely, that it really should have two G’s and one T. Seriously, that would look so much better aesthetically, you know? Ok, let’s get on with it, shall we? Sagittarius is an enigma; they can be so many things. The symbol for Sagittarius is The Archer; which is ironic because, like Cupid, its arrow can cause you to fall for them faster than a cement leaf in October; or like the Red Sox in September. They can also be some of your most fun, caring and loyal friends. Friends who make you laugh and realize that when life gets tough, you can always count on them. For instance, one of them might give up treasured concert tickets already purchased, just to go out to dinner with you and your friends because the date fell on, oh, I don’t know-let’s say my- late July birthday. A friend who trades life stories with you over many drinks or long walks as if both of you were shooting a scene out of “thirty-something.” One of them might be a beloved aunt born on my parents wedding anniversary of December 18, even though the marriage itself was short-lived, her sweetness and caring is never-ending. They could also be an incredible uncle, whose thoughtfulness in years past and present, makes him someone that a certain Cancer-ian can simply never forget…Cancer plays role.
Birthstone Rating-Blue Topaz: 9. Honestly, this sounds more like the water surrounding some Caribbean island than a birthstone. But it looks cool, so 9 it is. It drops a point because December’s birthstone should be some sort of red and green color mix, anyway. Maybe if some scientist ever discovers a fossilized Poinsettia, they can create a new stone. Either way, I won’t lose much sleep over it. Blue Topaz it is.
Capricorn (December 23-January 19)
Like Sagittarius, you carry around the bitterness of an overlooked or rushed birthday due to the enormity of the attention given to the Christmas season. You want sympathy? Too bad. Try being born on July 21 when everybody in the country is on vacation. Suck it up. You don’t like the cold even though you’re born in the winter, because that’s how Murphy’s Law works. Oh, hmm-Ok, Virgo plays role. Why Virgo? I picked it at random, just like the newspaper horoscopes do.
January Birthstone Rating-Garnet: 6. This is essentially a cheap knockoff of a true precious gem, my birthstone, the Ruby.